Would you like shorter meetings? If so, cut yourself off. Too often we go on and on thinking the more information we give, the more the person will understand or want. (more…)

I had an interesting chat with Erica Jefferson, host of Be Inspired,  in mid June about the power of words in communication. Do you listen to what you are saying to yourself? Are you striving for perfection, when good enough is good enough? As the summer winds up, you might like to hear a portion of the interview.

Just click on the following link:

Joan on Be Inspired radio show June 16, 2011

I want to thank Erica Jefferson for having me on her radio show – Be Inspired.

When I hear clients recounting negative interactions with others I often say, when in doubt, say nothing. When upset it is best to listen and before answering or commenting, think before you speak. As many before have said, “you can’t regret something you haven’t said.”  When you do speak, think about your body language, your tone and then the actual words.

Saying ‘should have’, ‘can’t because’ you never’ or ‘you always’ will lead you down a path that is not good for your soul or your career. Each day we make a choice about how we will communicate. Only you have that power. Use it wisely.

Remember what Abraham Lincoln said, “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

Doesn’t it drive you crazy when people won’t give you a direct answer? People who use noncommittal language such as ‘perhaps’, ‘maybe’ or ‘sometime’ are often avoiding being honest. For the receiver of the message you don’t get closure or direction. What can you do? Try phrases like “When you say ‘maybe’ what exactly do you mean?”  They may hedge so ask another more specific question like, ” What conditions would need to be met for you to be able to say yes?”  or “When you say ‘perhaps’ you are telling me you haven’t come to a decision yet.  Am I correct?” Then  you could say ” When will you be ready to decide?” or “What will it take for you to decide?” Then stop talking, look the person in the eye and wait for an answer.

The most difficult part is to wait for an answer. Sometimes if the person says “I don’t know” you can look at them and say “what would the answer be if you did know?” Your face must match your concern for an honest answer. While not perfect, I’ve tried this and it often works. Good luck!

June 2011

Communicating with elderly parents or chronically ill partners is tricky. We have history, an already established pecking order and all of a sudden what has been a comfortable relationship becomes increasingly uncomfortable. We are no longer cared for, we become the caregiver. We have to make unpopular decisions. As one of my friends said, “Now, when I leave my parents I either feel guilty or upset.”

A caregiver is a family member or friend who provides unpaid care for a loved one living with challenges due to disability, illness, or aging. The Canadian Caregiver Coalition estimates there are 4.5 million caregivers today. (more…)

We spent Sunday evening in Emergency with my mother-in-law. It is a true window on being able to study people’s behaviour while under stress.  As patients lined up to speak to the triage nurse it was interesting to watch the interactions and see the reactions.

Some people were impatient and rude. Others were quiet and others were loud. The staff handled them all with patience and kindness. Once in the place to see a doctor I could listen in on the conversations and again I noticed which people really listened to what the doctors were asking and who just wanted to tell their story.

It appeared to me that the patients who listened, answered honestly and politely, had the doctor’s attention longer. Also when the nurses went in to attend to them, the interactions were much more pleasant and more time was spent.

It became evident that no matter how stressful a situation, if people try to put themselves in the shoes of others, their interactions and connections are much more positive.

Do you work with someone who will not accept a new idea? Do they have rigid opinions? Here are a couple of phrases to try:

1. Agree with part of what they say, “Joan you are correct.  We have done it another way.  I’m anxious not to throw out what works. What I am anxious to do it think about efficiency and profitability so that we can survive and still all have jobs. Joan wouldn’t you agree that it is time to let this go and move on?”
2. Look at what comes next. ” Joan, look at it from the companies point of view. What are two important things to consider as we institute this new approach?

You want to respect the past yet take the best into the future.

One of my favourite coaching clients recently lamented “Why do these things always happen to me?” We both smiled and she said “Okay I know you are going to tell me to “reframe and carry on.” Bad things happen to us all and we are the only ones who can say “this too shall pass,” or “in the scheme of things will it matter in 5 minutes or 5 months.” “I must simply build a bridge and get over it. ”

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Writing a book and seeing it to completion takes patience – never one of my strong points. I like to do things quickly and move to the next. To think that at the end of August I had the book complete and 7 months later, it is finally out. I wasn’t sitting still during that time.

There was lots to do. A group of my friends read the book and gave feedback, then there was editing, rewriting, approvals, checking and rechecking. Thinking about the cover design and title and working with a designer was interesting.  Then approving what words would go on the back cover, looking at the lay out and where there needed to be text breaks all took time and careful thought.

Plus because this is a joint venture I was working with a fantastic team at Strategic Book Group so again, others with much more knowledge in many of these areas than I have were part of the decisions. I enjoyed the fact we were a team and I had others working with me. My last book was self-published so I was on my own and the first book I wrote was with a publisher and I had very little control so this has been a new experience.

I still haven’t held Got It! in my hand. I can’t wait. Soon, very soon.

Unless you let people know that specific actions or words are upsetting you, they might never know. Our self talk can poison our hearts and heads and impair our work. When I am coaching, people will often tell me about hurts that were inflicted days,weeks or even years ago. I will ask, “does this person know you were upset?” Often the answer is “I would if I were them!” That’s not good enough.

The truth is that often someone has said or done something and your interpretation is quite different than what they meant.  They may have thought they were supporting you, or giving you some help or guidance and you have taken it to mean something different. You might have interpreted it that they didn’t think you were capable of specific work or they were showing you how much better they are than you.

If you were to stop and ask them, “why did you step in and help,” the answer may be surprising. They may have thought you were asking for help and so to support you they helped.  Too often we jump to a negative conclusion and then are upset about something that the other person hasn’t even thought about.

Another client told me her boss was mad at her and she didn’t know why. I asked how she knew and her answer was, “she doesn’t stop by anymore.”  I suggested she make an appointment with her boss and ask if everything was going okay.  She did and found out her boss thought she was so capable that she was letting her carry on with out interference.

So before you begin to stress about a situation, ask for clarification. Be honest and direct. Your life will be much better. If there is an issue you can fix it. Stop inflicting the present with yesterday’s pain.