Did you know that most people stop listening or reading after about a minute unless the message is of great interest?  People tend to remember only about 10% of what you say, so when your message is short and simple your listeners will hear what you want them to remember.  If you give them too much, they have much to focus on.

Keep the following questions in mind as you plan your next conversation or presentation.

• Is what you are saying memorable?
• Is your message timely?
• Does it have human impact?
• Does it pass the WIIFM (what’s in it for me) test?

One of my clients, who worked in finance, had lost many of her clients over the past year. While some of this can certainly be blamed on our economy, when I asked her what her goals were for the one-on-one meetings, she couldn’t come up with a succinct answer. Have you heard of killing someone with kindness? She was killing them with information.

As we explored her client meetings it became evident that she was so enthused about her profession that she wanted others to feel the same way.  Each one hour meeting stretched into two or three.

We established that her goal was to educate and retain her existing clients. We came up with a FAQ (frequently asked questions) sheet so she could focus her thoughts on what her clients’ interest. She practised her responses until the words matched her thoughts.

Then she went into each meeting with a “cheat sheet.” It consisted of three points she wanted to get across, some different ways to deliver the same message with short, real-life examples and a big sign on the bottom: CUT YOURSELF OFF.

Has it worked? Most days, she says, it has. Now, when she books a meeting she tells the client it will only last an hour. If she goes on longer, she promises them a $100 gift certificate to their favourite restaurant!

While we are all negative sometimes, there are people who have made it their life’s work. If you are a manager you must confront this behaviour because negativity can cost your organization millions, if not billions, of dollars each year. It can lead to increased turnover, customer complaints, errors, accidents, and illness.

First, try to diagnose why this person is negative. Do they feel unheard? Was a change not explained to them? Are you asking much more than this person can achieve in the time given? Has negativity become their habit?

If you are a manager, give immediate feedback when you hear your employee making negative comments. Do it in private and use concrete examples. Address only behaviours you can pinpoint. Negativity is a performance issue, so handle it like any other behaviour you measure. Make sure your employee knows the consequences so you can measure changes that occur.

Whether you work or manage negative people, ask direct questions next time they begin to complain. Let them know that when they are negative, it distresses you. While you may not ask each of the questions, have a few ready.

1. Is what you are saying true?
2. Are you using exaggerated words? (horrible, terrible, always, never)
3. Will your comment help our company?
4. Will your comment help our customers?
5. Would you say these comments to the person you are talking about? Let’s go find them so we can hear both sides.
6. Can you tell me about something good that happened today?

For a co-worker, your questions may cause the negative person to rethink what they are saying and become a little more self-aware.  They may become uncomfortable and find someone else to listen to their complaints. Either way, you will not allow them poison your thinking.

If you manage this person, you will help them become more self-aware and let them know what acceptable standards of behaviour at your company are. One study says that 80% of negative people do not know they are negative because no one has ever confronted them before.

Ignoring negativity won’t make it go away and it can move like a virus and negatively impact you and your company.

Then I chatted with another friend who just got home from picking up some groceries for her parents. Her mom wasn’t up to going and her dad was having ‘a quiet day.’  This friend had planned to stop in and see her son and wife and new baby however she was too tired and was heading home.

We are the sandwich generation. Both my in-laws have passed away in the past 18 months and my own parents have their ups and downs.

We all talk about how we want to help, the guilt we feel when we make a choice to take a break for a day or two and what can we do to make their lives and our own better. There seem to be no easy answers and sometimes it makes one think about our own aging and what plans we can or should make. Plans need to be made and often before we think we need to!

What has been your experience? Any tips?

Just click on the following link:

Joan on Be Inspired radio show June 16, 2011

I want to thank Erica Jefferson for having me on her radio show – Be Inspired.

Saying ‘should have’, ‘can’t because’ you never’ or ‘you always’ will lead you down a path that is not good for your soul or your career. Each day we make a choice about how we will communicate. Only you have that power. Use it wisely.

Remember what Abraham Lincoln said, “It is better to remain silent and be thought a fool than to speak and remove all doubt.”

The most difficult part is to wait for an answer. Sometimes if the person says “I don’t know” you can look at them and say “what would the answer be if you did know?” Your face must match your concern for an honest answer. While not perfect, I’ve tried this and it often works. Good luck!

Communicating with elderly parents or chronically ill partners is tricky. We have history, an already established pecking order and all of a sudden what has been a comfortable relationship becomes increasingly uncomfortable. We are no longer cared for, we become the caregiver. We have to make unpopular decisions. As one of my friends said, “Now, when I leave my parents I either feel guilty or upset.”

A caregiver is a family member or friend who provides unpaid care for a loved one living with challenges due to disability, illness, or aging. The Canadian Caregiver Coalition estimates there are 4.5 million caregivers today.

Most unpaid caregivers have difficulties setting limits and asking for help. If you do not say no, you will feel resentful, burned out and will probably become ill. Often the caregiver dies before the person he or she was caring for.

How can you set limits? Begin small. If phone calls are an issue say “I can only talk for ten minutes tonight. Then I have work to complete.” Stick to it. Use statements like “I wish I could talk longer. I can’t, we’ll chat tomorrow night.”

If it is stopping by to ‘help’ say “I am on my way home so I can drop in for 15 minutes. If the job takes longer, we will plan to do it on the week end or let’s phone up that resource I found in the community newsletter.” Be pleasantly firm.  No waffling.

Sometimes you can give your care receiver choices. “I can’t take you to the doctor today. I could phone a taxi and have them pick you up at a specific time. Or, if you can make a Saturday appointment I can take you then.”

You do not have to make excuses. You simply state the facts. You are the boss of yourself. You can’t control what others do, even your loved ones. What you can control is how you react.

Prepare your responses before you are asked. Think up possible scenarios and then practise. Say your responses out loud so they roll off your tongue and you are less emotional. When you are direct and honest, especially if you haven’t been before, your care receiver might accept it because they are shocked. If they are unhappy, remember that any time you set limits or change things people are upset.

Seven out of ten caregivers are also employed so they are tired plus they incur extra expenses, adding to their stress. When flight attendants tell us to put on our oxygen mask and then our children’s, we accept it. We know we have to be well to care for others. If a caregiver does die or become ill, the care receiver finds other help or it is provided. You are never indispensible.

Communicate firmly, honestly and learn to say no. We can’t change others, what we can change is how we react and how we set limits. We are the boss of ourselves.

Joan Craven offers lunchtime seminars, keynotes and personal coaching on various communication topics. Email her (joancraven@shaw.ca) or phone her toll free at 1-888-376-4386.

Some people were impatient and rude. Others were quiet and others were loud. The staff handled them all with patience and kindness. Once in the place to see a doctor I could listen in on the conversations and again I noticed which people really listened to what the doctors were asking and who just wanted to tell their story.

It appeared to me that the patients who listened, answered honestly and politely, had the doctor’s attention longer. Also when the nurses went in to attend to them, the interactions were much more pleasant and more time was spent.

It became evident that no matter how stressful a situation, if people try to put themselves in the shoes of others, their interactions and connections are much more positive.