Celebrate Aging

Mom with her second great grandchild. They met 16 of their 17 greats!

Mom with her second great grandchild. She met 16 of the 17 “grands” and she and dad were very much a part of their lives. They kept in touch with their grandchildren via phone and always made reports to my brother and I about the latest great grandchild story.

I’ve been thinking about my parents. They both lived till they were 92. My dad’s mom lived till she was 94!

I like to think of them as pioneers – brave because they explored new frontiers. Not many people, in their generation, lived as long.

I think they wanted our family to see them as vital and engaged. They watched the news, read books and were generally interested in the world around them. Mom walked most days and dad was always at ‘the farm’ helping.

I know they felt loneliness and pain yet they tried not to continually focus on that. Until the last year of both their lives, when anyone visited mom and dad were interested in their families and lives and that made the visitor feel important.

When I read books about people who have lived past 100, there is a common theme. Move every day, even if it hurts. While walking is recommended, any activity that gets you out and about is key. Be wise when you chose an activity. Acknowledge that your body may not be up for a rigorous work out, the important thing is to move.

Be social. Talk to others, even on the bus or coffee shop. Phone someone. Identify a lonely person and see if you can cheer them up. The centertians all made an effort to get out or invite someone over.

Focus on the present and the future and then define a purpose each day. Most of the centurions interviewed in the two books I read said that they woke up in the morning thinking about what they could accomplish that day.

One joked it was to get her compression socks on so she could go for a walk! Another said it was to find a way to open the peanut butter jar. Definitely a sense of humour helps…

While their goal might be less than when they were in their 60s, 70s or 80s, they still identified a goal. Not all of them named it a goal. It was simply a reason to get up, get dressed and move.

We have great models to observe at our winter home. We live in an active-living recreational vehicle park. Only motor homes and fifth wheels are allowed. One has to be in pretty good physical shape just to navigate the stairs into a recreational vehicle so this becomes a goal for most living here.

People up to 90 year olds are out walking most days, learning or playing pickle ball and tennis, directing choir, teaching ukelele, bike-riding, getting holes in one on the golf course, hiking and hosting resort-wide dinners.

Many residents have had knees, shoulders, hips replaced, have battled diseases or are caring for an ill loved-one. It doesn’t seem to slow them down, they just do it! There is lots of help from other residents as we don’t spend much time in our 400 square foot ‘homes.’ We get to know others quickly as we see most every day. We like to be out in the sun and therefore, without even noticing, we are more active.

So what is your purpose today? Have you got out and moved? Who have you chatted with? Have you learned anything? Have you helped someone?

We too are pioneers as we navigate through our aging process. What are we modelling?

Mindful Aging by Andrea Brant

Over the next months I’m going to review books I have been reading about aging. Each one challenged me to think in different ways.

This week I have read Mindful Aging by Andrea Brant. Brant talks about embracing change with realistic positivity and seeing the gift of loss, the gift of pain and even the gift of death.

Over the years I have embraced change. I’ve always said I have the attention span of a gnat so I find change exciting. I relish new experiences and new ventures. Even at 66 years!

Brant asks us to be realistic in our expectations and yet mindful as we move forward on life’s journey.

For me being mindful as well as realistic is the difficult part. Thinking about loss as a gift causes me to examine my perceptions from a different perspective. Sometimes I find this uncomfortable.

I enjoy the tools and exercises that Brant challenges us to use at the conclusion of each chapter.

Another point she made was that if we are “people pleasers’ we have permission to leave that behind. Not in a selfish way, rather thinking about how we contribute in an enjoyable way for ourselves.

Baby Boomer Letter to Caregiver

Do It Now!

Dear Kids,

I’m writing this letter to give you permission to make tough decisions for Bob and I, if and when the time comes. Defining the time will be difficult as we may not agree that we do need help and so we might not want to hear from you. Preserve; keep us safe.

You see, when we think about ourselves we don’t see “old.” We see ourselves vital and thriving. The only time we feel old is when we look in the mirror or find ourselves exhausted doing something that used to be easy.

As we watched you grow and choose your life-partners we felt so proud of you. Now as you raise your children we see you being loving, supportive and strong, as you give your children tools to become independent, contributing citizens. We found it much easier making decisions for you, our children, than for our aging parents! Sorry!!!!

ALWAYS remember we love and respect you and would move the world to make you happy. That is our unconditional love. Try to keep this front and centre if we say something nasty or ask for something that you simply can’t or don’t have time to do.

Over the next years, if we are blessed enough to age as our parents did, our relationship will change. Parenting a parent is not easy. The relationship is complicated.

Our experience, with aging parents, was difficult. Bob’s parents were challenging and although my parents had a plan and made their wishes known, it was no walk in the park either.

Physically, emotionally and even financially they were challenging. We want your journey easier and give you permission to keep your marriages and children and maybe even grandchildren (fingers crossed!) front and centre.

We had our time of spending winters in Palm Springs, holidaying when we wanted, and driving to events when we were so inclined. Now we expect you to carry on and enjoy yourselves. Never put anything on hold. We give you permission to step in and make some unpopular decisions as our decision-making powers may be compromised. While we are still in our right mind, or so we think, please understand this is what we want!

We have tried to make the road a little easier by down-sizing early, telling you we don’t want to live with you, even if we may say we do, and even picking out our final ‘resting place.’ Our wills are written, we have filled out personal directives and our power of attorney. You have copies. These forms may change and we plan to keep them updated. You may want to remind us occasionally.

As you know, we think that assisted living and later continuous care are the correct routes. We don’t want an expensive place with lots of bells and whistles. It must be clean and have a qualified, caring staff. You will get a sense of the place as soon as you walk in for tour.

We will try to pick out one just as my parents did. It certainly made it easier when dad said “This is a horrible place – all I look at are the garbage containers,” we could think “ you did choose it.”

I still felt sad when I said good-bye after each visit, yet I was relieved because it was what they had wanted. It was also important to me that they were safe, had regular meals and got their medication. We want you to have that same reassurance.

I hope you are able to work together as a team with your partners, in the background, as your support. My brother and I made all the decisions, without our partners in attendance, to keep things less complicated and smoother. Sometimes in-laws can complicate decisions. It’s one tip that really helped us.

Just remember that we love you all more than words can ever express. Keep us safe and carry on with your own lives. Age has a way of creeping up much faster than you will anticipate!

Love,

Mom

More Rules for Healthy Aging

” You do not grow old; you become old from not growing.”

Think About the Kind of Care You Want

# Educate yourself on ‘the system’ – in our province it’s a moving target- ever changing- I liken it to trying to grab jello – it’s complex – I often found it impenetrable. Find out what support services are available for seniors. Were they designed for people who did not live as long as we are expected to? What jurisdictions fund what programs or services? Write letters. Ask your candidates questions. Baby boomers must take action now and design and demand what you want your care to look like:

  • What does quality care look like to you?
  • How can the system be responsive to individual needs?
  • Do you want to age in place? At this point, this option is cost prohibitive and only works if you are wealthy. Often aging in place means more work for your caregivers.
  • If you need 24 hour medical care what does that look like?

My in-laws were adamant that they not want to go into an assisted living facility. They also resisted most offers of help. What this meant for my husband and I was that we were their support. We brought meals, planted flowers, mowed grass and shovelled snow. Do you want that responsibility on your care-givers? After a medical crisis, and with the assistance of a transition nurse who would not release my father-in-law from hospital until home-care and meals on wheels were in place, we had some help. What a relief for us. Little did we know this was not as wonderful as we initially thought. Home care in Alberta is limited and workers seemed rushed and stressed. Also the workers rotate so just when my mother-in-law was comfortable, a new care aid arrived. We did discover that there was a mobile blood service who would come to their home to get blood samples, thus saving us. It always felt like one step forward and two back.

Have you looked at assisted living facilities and long-term care? When my husband and I were looking for his parents we got tours and most times we got a feeling of how it was run quickly. What was the ratio of medical aids to clients? What times were meals hosted? My parents moved into an assisted living facility, of their choice, that had breakfast at 7:00a.m. and lunch at 11:00 and dinner at 4……all to accommodate the long-term care residents in the other part of the building. We never asked about meal times! My dad liked to sleep in so this was an issue, and after dinner it was a very long evening for them. Plus the nutrition cart only came by occasionally……. while the staff assured us there were snacks in the fridge, my parents were not up to going to find them. If you want to be in control, I suggest you start to seriously think about what will you do if something happens to one of you. Or if you get to a point where you cannot care for yourself. Figure it out now. Don’t make your caregivers….

Our friends and I used to joke that we would have the carpenter in the group build us a group home. We would know all residents and hire staff to help. The kids wouldn’t have to visit us so often as we all knew everyone so one visit would please us all. We would hire a cook, a cleaner, a care aid, buy a van to haul us around, have a driver we could use (not us!) and a nurse practitioner. While we laughed about it in our 40s we now wonder if it isn’t the way to go!

When we checked out the cost of many of the private “active living” facilities we knew we couldn’t afford them.

    More Rules for Healthy Aging

    Here are some more thoughts about aging you might want to think about and discuss with your partner or potential caregivers. Let everyone know your thoughts and wishes. (See the thought for the day at the end of this article)

    # Be ready to graciously accept or pay for help even when you don’t think you need it. If someone suggests you might benefit from support, accept it. While you might not want it, think about your caregiver and if you hire some services you will be giving them peace of mind. They may be worried about you. Think of others instead of yourself.

    Areas to have conversations with your ‘truth teller’ include:

    • cleaning …as we age our eyes age and we don’t notice dirt like we used to. If you aren’t able to keep up, what will you do?
    • hearing aides…one friend’s children were convinced she had dementia until she started wearing hearing aids. Have you had a hearing test lately? It might be time.
    • mobility aids such as canes, wheelchairs, walkers, suitable footwear, washable clothes etc. If you are tippy or using the furniture to move around the room, it’s time to think about some kind of support. Look at your shoes. How safe are they?
    • driver service…if you are unable to drive and want to retain your independence hire a taxi, take a bus or look into finding a regular driver. Have you had that conversation with your partner or caregiver to give them permission NOT to become your driver?
    • meal preparation and grocery shopping…eating healthy is a huge precursor for remaining healthy (tea and toast won’t do it!) Think about what you would do if you couldn’t prepare meals.

    Our daughter told me that her grandparents bathroom was ‘gross’ and something had to be done. I had no time to become a cleaning lady so my husband and I tried to approach the subject. A strong NO was our answer. Finally when we thought it was becoming a health issue my husband took his parents for a day-long outing and myself and a cleaning lady cleaned the main floor. My in-laws were so angry they didn’t talk to us for weeks. Finally when things cooled down they decided they would allow a cleaning lady once every two weeks.

    Both sets of parents thought nothing of having us drive them to appointments. I wondered if they subconsciously thought since we were the ones who said, “no more driving” they decided then we could do it!……For me it meant a 50-60 minute drive to pick them up, a 50 minute drive into the city for an appointment, then back. By the time I got home I would be exhausted from lifting walkers, wheelchairs and negotiating parkades etc. My husband’s parents decided to take a driving service one day to see one of their relatives. ( We were out of town) It cost them close to $100 and they were shocked and yet never seemed to realize the time and effort their caregivers put in. They never used the service again and we remained their designated drivers.

    5. Move your body every day. Go for a walk. Swim, take an exercise class. Find a television show program for chair exercises. Walk around your home or neighbourhood. Find a friend or neighbour who likes to go for walks. If you try a new activity or exercise, begin slowly so you don’t injure yourself. Regular exercise is important for your overall well being. My husband says once you retire exercise needs to become your job.

    Thought for the day:

    “We always think old age is 10 years older than we are!”

    Rules for Healthy Aging…

    I have been talking to friends who have had the honour of caregiving for a loved one. We have brainstormed things we think would have made our journey easier and came up with ten questions to think about.

    Even my mom at 92 would say “I still feel the same inside… until I look in the mirror or try to move!” We would laugh about this and yet now I totally understand.

    So it doesn’t surprise me so many people put off these types of discussions because we all think we still have time……As we age we know that a fall, a stroke or serious accident can change our life in a moment. Don’t wait. Do it now! Be prepared if you want to save yourself, your partner or those who will want to care for you heartache and angst.

    I will share a few each day in subsequent blogs. I hope it will start you thinking and doing some early planning.

    1. Appoint a ‘truth teller’ who will honestly advise you about your present condition; your truth teller helps you see what you can’t or won’t acknowledge. It’s important that this person will note your physical, emotional and intellectual changes. Make sure you have clearly articulated that you want your truth teller to have difficult, honest conversations with you. Your partner or someone your age is not a good choice. I think we all know stories of one spouse or good friend ‘covering up’ for another and when a crisis occurs everyone is shocked at how fragile one partner is and how much the other one was covering……. From the age of about 60 my dad and mom began to say to my brother and I that we were to tell them when we thought they were no longer able to care for themselves in their home or drive. They would often tell us this. We both thought it was rather early and yet when the time came it was a relief to know we had their permission, even when they seemed surprised by our comments or even angry. We were reassured it was what they wanted.

    2. Consciously build community. Willingly participate in groups; be social; plan opportunities to talk to others; get yourself out most days even if it is just for coffee or to people watch. Social isolation is a huge factor in mental decline while aging. Know why you get up every morning – what is your daily purpose? human interaction is as necessary as food, water and exercise. Plan something every day. It doesn’t have to be complicated. Don’t make others responsible for your entertainment. Often this falls on your caregivers and they feel it is yet another responsibility. My mom would often say she was so bored or wished she could drive and I always felt guilty and thought I should think of something to help her or go out and drive her somewhere. This was a case of her not wanting to spend money on a taxi or take a bus. I’m already talking to myself saying that when I no longer feel safe driving or the kids tell me to give up my car I will do my best to remain self-reliant. And if I have reached a dementia-stage they have my permission to ignore my comments and not feel guilty. They will remember I’m “just not myself.“

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    Rewire Before You Expire…New Beginnings

    Our future caregivers!

    Tomorrow school begins for many Canadian students. It always makes me think of new beginnings.

    What are you beginning today? I thought today is the perfect time to launch my BLOG….. Rewire Before You Expire….a blog that I hope will help baby boomers think about aging.

    Over the winter I took a course on Memoir Writing. It inspired me to begin writing again. Besides cooking, baking and reading, I find joy when writing.

    While a memoir isn’t in the cards for me, I would like to write another book about aging. Everything we read today is full of warnings about the plethora of aging baby boomers. We’ve been an action-oriented generation. Let’s not let aging just happen. Let’s think about what we need and then how we can achieve it.

    What will happen to us as services dry up and costs skyrocket? None of us want to be a burden to our children. What can we do?

    First we have to educate ourselves. It’s time to think about uncomfortable topics and make plans. If you’ve been as blessed as my husband and I who had parents in our lives for over 60 years we have plenty of background information.

    How can we apply that to our situation? That’s what I have been pondering for the past year. I have spoken to caregivers and read countless books and research pieces. Now it’s time to put the fingers to the keys and begin.

    I hope you will join me and enjoy the journey!

    Please excuse the mix-ups as I am learning the technology associated with the BLOG…. I like to challenge myself and this has certainly done that!

    REWIRE BEFORE YOU EXPIRE

    Introduction

    I didn’t write for six years. My parents and my husband’s parents would be shocked and then heartbroken to think they had caused my caregiver burnout.

    I don’t blame them. I was responsible. I wanted to support them. They had been great parents for us.

    For 37 years I was the front-line family caregiver. Bob’s parents left this world in 2009 and 2011; my dad passed away in 2015; and when my mom passed away in 2017 I was physically, emotionally and mentally exhausted.

    My supportive husband and brother lightened th load. We were not financially burdened, as is the case with many family caregivers. As the writer and editor of a provincial family caregiver newsletter I was aware of resources, programs and assistance.

    What I discovered though, despite community supports, my responsibilities became that of a full-time patient coordinator. Our medical system was complicated and there was no such thing as one-stop shopping.

    Friends started to ask for advice when they began their caregiving experience. I directed them to the proper resources, pointed out programs they might not be aware of and provided much needed empathy for their journey.

    Consciously I added “Let this experience make you think about how you age. What can you do to make the caregiving journey easier for your children or designated caregivers?”

    I’d also caution caregivers to not just step in and help. Was there better ways to support, without taking away control?

    Governments are spending huge dollars for care of seniors. Do we need to think differently about what aging baby boomers need?

    It is my hope that this blog causes you to think about the way you age and to consider some tough questions and then take plans.

    About Me

    I have been an author, communications consultant, professional speaker, and communications coach for over 30 years. As a popular weekly newspaper columnist I understand the value of building relationships.

    Happily married, most days, for over 4o years, I’m blessed to have grown children and five grandchildren.

    Being able to support our four parents as they aged has been significant in my life choices as I age.

    We down-sized, from a large two story home to a small high-rise condo when I was 61 and purchased a trailer in Palm Springs, where we enjoy our winters.

    Lately I have been researching and thinking about how we age as baby boomers. I’ve talked to many seniors, healthcare professionals and caregivers. Now I want to pass along a few tips add tricks I’ve gleaned over the past 37 years as a family caregiver.