Has Care For Seniors Changed?

My Story

The phone rang just after midnight. “Mom’s gone,” my brother Ken said. For the past two weeks I did the day shift at her long term care home as she ‘slept’ away her last days.  It was a two hour round trip. My brother Ken lived only ten minutes away so he went in the early morning and late evening. 

For thirty-seven years I was the first-line family caregiver for four parents. My husband Bob’s parents left this world in 2009 and 2011; my dad passed away in 2015; and mom in 2017. 

My husband’s parents had made no plans for their aging, so Bob, an only child, was left to guess what his parents would want. 

I thought I was lucky because my parents had a plan. They made their wishes clear for the ‘what ifs’ as they aged and my brother and I were fully informed. They addressed issues of possible conflict: 

• What if I can no longer drive?
• What if I can no longer live in my own home?
• What medical care do I want at the end of my life?

A file with all pertinent banking, insurance and property information and their funeral arrangements was available. My brother and I knew the contents of their will. They did not want any arguments or misunderstandings and did everything in their power to make it easy for us.

It’s interesting to reflect on my experience because while I was mostly confident that I was honouring my parent’s wishes it wasn’t easy. Our roles had switched.

With Bob’s parents it was more difficult. They didn’t want to get old so refused to acknowledge the inevitable. Relatives and friends began to phone Bob to express their worry about his parents’ health. Bob could do nothing. We had to wait until there was a crisis and then act.

As our caregiving responsibilities grew, we lived on pins and needles, wondering when the next phone call would disrupt our lives. We had to cancel countless social engagements and had interrupted vacations and missed days of work as our parents (sometimes the hospital or ambulance staff) called to request our help. 

We were not financially burdened as is the case with many family caregivers; yet as the woman and the only daughter, I assumed the role as patient co-ordinator. It became a full-time responsibility. My husband and brother handled the financial end for our parents and they assisted, when asked to help. 

Our medical system is complicated and there is no such thing as one-stop shopping when locating care for seniors. I would phone my former contacts at one support agency and be told they were no longer there. Many times the agency had moved to another government department. The system of care for seniors was and still is in a constant state of change. There is no central location such as a website or phone number to find all information regarding senior care. Even those who worked in senior care often couldn’t help.

As the pandemic took over our lives worldwide, it became evident that care for seniors had not kept up with the better health care that prolonged our lives. Seniors now had more complex health needs. The system that worked forty years ago did not work today. 

Throughout my journey friends would phone and ask about services for their parents. While I could provide a starting point and empathy for their journey, as far as specific services, I could only warn them about the tangled web of supports and the constant chaos within the system. 

I did challenge them to think about their own aging process and how they were planning for their final quarter. I said to think about their potential caregivers and how they might make it easier for them. I encouraged them to seek information and to question the way seniors were being treated in our province. 

Caregivers have many roles – as an advocate, an emotional and physical support, as well as juggling the practical needs for the care receiver.  Sometimes it was baffling, other times frustrating and often a time when I would look at our parents and we would all laugh at the absurdness of the situation. 

Even though I was bone-tired, I don’t resent the time I spent with our parents. It was a privilege to help them just the way they had helped me over the years. Do I have regrets? Of course. I wouldn’t be human if I didn’t question some of our decisions. What helps me carry on is that I always did what I thought was best for all – for our parents as well as for myself and our decision were always made with the same unconditional love that I received as a daughter and daughter-in-law.

(If you are interested in senior’s care please share this BLOG with others.)