Welcome to Holland

As we age we are forced to learn to accept the many changes that occur. If we can’t accept these changes we tend to be frustrated and even angry. I recently reread a poem by Emily Perl Kingsley called Welcome to Holland. 

Kingsley uses a metaphor to explain the shock and grief of having a child with special needs and then the beauty of that child as she accepts and appreciates the uniqueness the child brings.

Welcome to Holland resonated with me and became a metaphor applied to my own aging process. After my fall, having a shoulder replacement and then learning to accept the new me I realized that I was all of a sudden in Holland instead of Italy. I see it in many of our friends and acquaintances as they deal with illness, chronic pain, injuries, surgeries, diminished mental capacity and even death. If you have a partner they too are experiencing this “Welcome to Holland” feeling as they are living with an entirely different person. 

The loss of some form of our former self, or that of a loved one follows the five stages of grief – denial, anger, bargaining, depression and finally acceptance. It’s well documented that grief is a wild roller coaster ride as we pivot and  dip and dive through the ups and downs of our lives. And it isn’t just one ride, for many it continues for some time. 

Once we realize we can’t ignore or avoid what has happened, we move to stage two- anger. Anger tends to focus on the fact that we think that life isn’t fair or we wonder, why me? 

The bargaining stage sees us feeling regret, guilt and self-blame and the one way to get through this is to forgive yourself. You can’t go back, so how can you move forward? 

The depression stage might see you needing to talk to a therapist if making plans or seeing friends can’t lift you out of this dark period. Remember to be gentle with yourself no matter what stage you are experiencing.

At some point you simply make peace with the situation. The acceptance stage doesn’t mean we get over our grief of the loss, it means we begin to engage in life again.

I am watching friends and relatives navigate their aging processes. For some it appears easier than for others. I am blessed because I had the privilege of observing my grandparents, parents, in-laws and many aunts and uncles age, and I am able to take lessons from each. While I’m not sure it makes it any easier, what is does, is give me strategies to try and challenges me to think not just about myself. How is this affecting my spouse, or my kids? How can I make it easier, for not just me but those around me. 

The aging journey is unique for all. I’d be interested in what your methods are for enjoying it and navigating your own personal journey as you land in Holland instead of Italy.